This is my story of my life :
I was raised by parents who could not love me more. I remember being 5 years old and asking Jesus into my heart with my mom one night before bed. Growing up I was believed in and encouraged greatly. By the grace of God I have never done drugs, had sex or ever got drunk.
When I was 12 years old I begged to have headaches once a month. I started to notice that the headaches became more frequent and within a few months I had a constant headache. By the end of that year I had developed back and neck pain. My parents took me to several doctors trying to find out what was causing the pain. Not one doctor could help me. Each doctor would say to me. “Your tests came back normal and there is nothing wrong with you.” Day after day I would wonder if the pain would ever be gone from my life.
Right after high school I felt the Lord calling me to the Teen Mania Honor Academy. This year long internship was an incredible year of intimacy with Jesus and I. One day after feeling hopeless because the pain throughout my body was so great I remember God said this to me;” I am having you go through this to change other peoples lives.” Another time I was in worship and Jesus spoke to me saying “How would you worship me if you just had received healing?” I said “God I would be jumping up and down and crazy excited about you.” He then replied back “Worship me as though you just got healed.” My worldview was shifted from that day forward.
Almost every time I enter into a place where the spirit of God is, my headache and pain will increase. I have been prayed over by many pastors and people with the gift of healing. Many times the pain will increase so bad I will want them to stop praying. The enemy has tried to stop me from worshipping with my entire heart. He has tried to stop me from knowing who I am in Jesus. He has tried to steal spending time with God because the pain is too great. I have believed that Satan is winning the battle and at points that I didn’t even care. I am here to tell you that nothing is to hard for the Lord. He speaks this over me in Isaiah “When you walk through the fire you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” The Bible has been my very life and His very words have kept me going.
I am here to testify that Jesus is alive. There have been countless nights of falling asleep to a pillow drenched in my tears. I have wondered if He was still fighting for me. I have felt completely forgotten by God and felt as though he does not hear my cry. I have been very angry at God and very offended. I have wanted to give up on life altogether but He continues to sustain me. When I think I can’t take another step he carries me.
Even though I don’t understand why I am not healed yet, I know that I am in this circumstance because I am completely relying on Jesus. His grace is enough and it is all I need. His words in 2 Corinthians 12 are “My power works best in weak people. SO now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses.” I have found that my” yes” moves the very heart of God. Even if it is a frail weak yes He is still pleased with me.
“Dear friends do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange is happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed 1Peter 4:12-13
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